The Hills

Heidi is such an idiot! I mean, can’t she see that Spencer is a giant asshole? I really feel bad for her… even though she reminds me of a beautiful girl who looked just like her and wouldn’t give me the time of day because I wasn’t a Calvin Klein model, the bitch! But I’m sure Heidi’s not like that. Were she ever to accidentally come in contact with someone who wasn’t smoking hot I bet she’d say “Excuse me” as she blew by them as fast as possible.

As for her sister, Holly (and I know Holly is her sister because every time they show her they flash the graphic: Heidi’s sister. Do the producers think we viewers are so stupid we can’t remember that from shot to shot? Or we confuse the characters with the restaurant and club names? Nahhh, can’t be.) Holly obviously lives with the incredible burden that her sister is a 10 and she’s only a 9 1/2. But she still cares about Heidi. It was evident last week when she called their mom (graphic: Heidi & Holly’s mom although MILF would have sufficed) to tell her that Heidi was now living with Spencer. That’s when the fireworks really began. Heidi’s MILF had separate lunch dates with Spencer and Heidi in chic outdoor cafes to share her concerns. And let me tell you, Edward Albee only DREAMED of writing crackling dialogue like this: MILF: “Why do you think you need to live with her so soon in your relationship?” Spencer: “Because… why not?” Look out! Sparks flying!

But my heart truly goes out to Lauren these days. I put aside the fact that she looks just like the girl who laughed in my face when I had the audacity to ask her out – and I feel her pain. Her “friend” Stephanie went out with her former boyfriend, the gorgeous and reprehensible Doug. And she learned it wasn’t just dinner. It was coffee too! How Lauren has the strength to get up in the morning and shop at overpriced Melrose Ave. botiques with that hanging over her head is beyond me.

It all came to a head at Doug & Brody’s BBQ for Tommy Hilfinger models. Like all twentysomethings in LA trying to launch careers, they live in a house in the hills with a view of the entire city. You want to hate them but then you realize, hey, there’s no room to build a tennis court. And just because these guys would burn this house down to the ground before inviting me to a pool party like this, I still really care about their plight. How can you not? They can’t fuck all these girls at once. There are logistics, lies to keep straight – heavy is the dickhead that wears the crown.

I want to say to Lauren, Audrina, Holly, Heidi, Romy, Michele, Whitney, Stephanie, and Lo – these guys will break your hearts and mail them to your MILFs. At least this week when Doug said to Lauren, “You’re like my ex-fling” she had the good sense to leave. You want to loathe him but then he says, “I don’t feel like I said anything wrong here” and you realize, “Oh my God, he’s not just hateful, the poor thing is also retarded.”

Friendships are severely tested on THE HILLS. The evil Spencer (who’s Jay Mohr if he were better looking) has broken up Heidi and Lauren and now he’s threatening Heidi and Holly’s (graphic: Heidi’s sister) relationship. But out of such turmoil comes revelations. Lauren and Audrina are sitting out at the pool (as do all struggling young people in the middle of the afternoon) and Audrina is musing on how Lauren and Heidi (graphic: Holly’s sister) were such good friends before Spencer came along and then Lauren delivers this bombshell: “One person can like change everything.” Audrina was rocked by this epiphany and I don’t mind sayin', I was too. Who knew??

In this recent episode Doug successfully drove a wedge between Lauren and Stephanie. Lauren says to a tearful Steph – and I bet these words haunt me for a good long time. “You’re no longer my friend. Let me get you a tissue.”

Now you may say, “Oh Levine’s just a cynical old guy. He doesn’t get it. He calls girls by their names and not ‘dude’.” But I really am entertained by THE HILLS. It’s also the first show I’ve ever seen sponsored by Tampex and Victoria Secrets.