Deal or no deal

Recently, in London, I caught an episode of DEAL OR NO DEAL. A staid, proper host conversed with the staid proper contestant and all was very civilized. Then I saw the US version. Holy shit!!! It’s like we slammed together a game show, live informercial, Vegas, and Victoria Secrets Lingerie special.

Contestants can win a million dollars just by choosing the right suitcase. It’s the perfect American game show. No knowledge of anything is required other than maybe being able to count to 26 and point. And the willingness to jump around the stage, scream, and act like Jerry Lewis in the ERRAND BOY. One contestant I saw last week said his dream was to become a professional mascot. The adoring studio audience went WILD.

Of course they go wild over EVERYTHING. They react with the same delirious cheering, stomping, and clapping at the news that we’ve killed Abu Musab Zarqawl as learning that “we’ll be back right after this break.” This must be the same studio audience that has a collective orgasm when the man explains how the pocket fisherman works.

Here’s the premise: A contestant selects one of 26 suitcases, each held by a drop dead gorgeous model. From there he opens other suitcases revealing dollar amounts from $.01 to $1,000,000, thus eliminating them. At certain intervals the “banker” calls and offers a cash amount to end the game. The contestant can accept it or keep going (deal or no deal) until ultimately he takes the cash or whatever’s in the suitcase he originally selected. That’s it. Keno with tits.

At the moment the show is a huge hit. I fear, however, that in time it will start to get old. So I have a suggestion for how to improve it. First off, make half of the gorgeous models men. Then put a million dollars in every suitcase. Each contestant picks a suitcase. He or she then has one decision to make. Take what’s in the suitcase or the model. Weeks will go by before producers have to pony up any money at all.

If there was a studio audience here they’d be going wild.